she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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