oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize