im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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