Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
