Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
