Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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