You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
