I just pynch a tree in the face
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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