also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize