summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
