I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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