I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
