he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
