I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
