Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
