I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
