Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
