Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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