i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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