i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Floor bacon is actually really good
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
