Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize