i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
