if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
