my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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