I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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