Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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