Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
