The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Randomize
