Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
