Just fell off a train. Bad.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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