I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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