the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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