I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize