Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
