I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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