Did you just see the Batmobile???
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
