to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
