remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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