alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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