I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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