Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
