you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
