i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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