I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
