Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
