My Higher Power is John Stamos
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
