checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
