This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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