in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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