I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
