She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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