I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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