Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Randomize
