I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
