don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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