Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
