The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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