My first STD was from a foam party
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
3 2 1 whiskey
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
